Realisation

I now know why. At least, I think I do.

One of the biggest reasons why my heart isn't able to take a leap of faith and chooses to remain dormant even while my mind feels a tad of attraction to anyone whom I 'connect' with is because... I am simply not ready.

Even though I am being myself with mostly everyone I come into contact with, and I am honest with how I feel or think when I am interacting...

I am guilty of lying by omission because I am ashamed and/or not ready to expose facets of my past and/or personality to them. I guess a small part of me is still afraid of how people will react or judge me.

I am not ready to put my being on the line to trust someone fully, because I just...don't know how to. And from past experiences, I don't really believe I can do that any more. I have not recovered from all my past attempts at placing my trust in people, and having them break me.

There are still parts of myself that I cannot come to terms with, and if I am unable to truly accept myself or change the parts that I'm not comfortable with, I will possibly forever feel like I'm 'not good enough', whether for myself, or for my partner. And that self-defeating notion, is not something I would like to live with, or subject someone I love to. I want to be at a certain level of confidence and acceptance of myself - Not perfect, but as close as I can possibly get. Or at least, in the right direction, constantly moving towards it.

I have no desire to settle down/commit or open my heart; mind; soul and body wholeheartedly to another being of the opposite sex. The thought of obligations of being in a relationship, or being tied down emotionally/physically, really scares me. The thought of me returning to being someone who is dependent on another, and losing myself or beliefs/ unknowingly changing myself to please another... is not something I want. However, I know that when I fall deep, that may happen... I will lose control of this calm and composed part of myself that I took so long to build up and fortify. A part of me never wants to feel insecure, needy, or jealous. Those things of which one will naturally experience to a certain extent when they are seriously in like/love with someone.

I am not yet attracted to anyone physically and/or sexually. Like, srzcaekz.
I love to observe and appreciate specific body parts in detail, on both sexes.
I really enjoy doing so purely because they visually please me.
But you get it, don't you? Doesn't turn me on that way. LOL. ;)

As much as I am interested to know 'What is Love?' /cue Haddaway's song and head-bopping/; the prospects of being in a relationship, or exploring matters of the heart in depth...It isn't a huge desire that makes me want to go all out for it. Not now, not yet.

Besides, I've never seen a point to rush into anything, especially Love. Since I was a child, and even up til now, I still see Love and marriage as something very...Sacred. Maybe it's naive of me, and just another reason/excuse to put things off to a later date...but I can't change that part of me...And to be frank, I don't want to. I at least want to feel a sense of genuineness coming from myself and the other party before I try anything. I want mutual reciprocation and respect. I now know that there is no need to worry, or 'fool around' with another's feelings just to cure this 'boredom' in my heart. I won't let myself do so even if a part of me feels that it is an exciting prospect. Because that is just not what I want.

I enjoy the chase; the slow build up, and I love getting to know and understand people in that slow process... To be sure that someone is 'right' for me before I commit. To have a way out when I'm just not feeling it. To be friends with all those people that I've come to understand more of along the way of 'exploring options'. I want to like someone as a person, before I like them as a potential 'target'. Not the other way round.

The thought of never experiencing romantic love due to my own expectations have crossed my mind countless times. That may make some people feel unloved or lonely and I'm not trying to act holier than thou, but I honestly don't feel that way. Because I know that Love can come in all forms...And those other forms, despite being less 'exciting to the senses', triumphs over romantic love because I believe that they are a lot more unselfish; unconditional & genuine. You also expect less, or try not to at all. You can learn a lot more about yourself, others & Life, because it involves more than just two people/species being in their own happy world. It paints a bigger picture than one you'll ever see while being in a BGR.... UNLESS you are both people who enjoy actively growing from outside of your relationship. Of course, the dream is to have a balance of both. But even if I have to learn about and experience the former first, or only that in my whole lifetime, I'm fine with it too. I know I can't have everything. ;)

Call me a stubborn conservative; a sappy 'romantic' waiting for the 'right one'; a coward with unreasonably 'high' expectations for a relationship; a commitaphobe with trust and abandonment issues... I'm okay with that because chances are that the above are all accurate descriptions of the me right now. And I'm actually glad to know that at least I understand myself enough to know what I am at this moment. Those things about me may not even change over time, but at least I am aware of them.

Despite me giving allllllllllllllllll those reasons above (HEEHEE. Long-winded beat around the bush, I know..), and sometimes really questioning myself if my heart is defective for not being able to feel that particular sort of attraction to another...

Somewhere deeeeeeeep inside, I do believe that when the time comes and I do feel that overwhelming feeling of desire of wanting to have someone else in my life, wanting to share everything of myself with them, wanting to grow with them... I will know it. I will feel it - both in my mind, and in my heart. There will be no questions, no doubts - even if I may not be all that I want to be yet; even if I may not know how to Love, or care 'properly' yet. I will take that leap of faith, fall deep, immerse myself fully, leave myself vulnerable, possibly get hurt - But be alright with it. Because even if it may turn out to be a mistake, I will be willing to take that risk. To Love.
That... is when I will truly 'be ready'.

Til then, keep on Living, deh! :D