The more I think about things deeply, the more the insecurities and lack of faith pop its' ugly head. But not contemplating the issue at hand and running away from it isn't going to be beneficial to anyone either. I need to readjust my attitude. I think it may be more negative and pessimistic than realistic (which is what i always try to aim for) at this point as we delve in a little deeper into this relationship. And that scares me as I believe I am projecting those fears onto the relationship which may actually fuck it up deeeeep deep in the long run. Like cutting it off at the roots before it even has a chance to grow. Or jinxing it in some ways.
In a way, this is me trying my best not to have expectations, of others or unpredictable situations. Because those are out of my control, and causes unnecessary pressure for everyone, myself included.
What i personally feel I am doing is adopting the 'expect ( Edit: Haha what the shit is this, i just realised how contradicting I sound. Oh fuck, is this why i'm so confused?! Trying to not have expectations yet actually living by this approach most of the time? dun dun dun dun what a revelation. Shall ponder it some other time.) the worst, but hope for the best' approach/attitude, which has worked well with many aspects of my life and I stand by it quite firmly. i.e. Mentally preparing myself for hurt, yet hoping that things will work out fine. I'm confusing myself too sometimes because I guess I don't really know how to put things into actions and words properly - to express myself according to the above approach and all. It seems like in this case, it's starting to come off as me being… indifferent, insensitive, uncaring, or non-committal. And I think, that kind of vibe may actually be quite worrying? Guess there's a lot more communication and reassuring (maybe, kinda sorta?) to be done.
It's a little funny because I'm not completely clear about how I feel, yet this lack of certainty doesn't bug me as much as it usually does and did in the past. I guess I do have a bit of faith left in me somewhere (That I don't have to be afraid of the uncertainty at the moment; that i'll figure it out over time; that feelings like that are okay and a natural part of this process, shit like that.) That, or... well... Let's not go there.
On a side note, awww man...Me and my bad timing with these sort of things. Never gonna change, is it? Ah well, at least this time I took it a step further. And that in itself is something I commend myself for. (Someone, give me a medal!) As to what the future may bring… ? No one knows til we get there. Having a vague idea works, but the mystery itself is exciting too. I just hope that I can keep up this semi-positive thinking over time. Que sera, sera.
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