I want to say something

but i'm afraid.

because it seems so childish, and...I don't know, kind of selfish...?

So many things to say, but so little time; so little guts.

These days...

It's like I'm going back to square one, yet not really.

Ah school, as fun as you are, as enriching as you are.

Why must you do this to me? D:

I feel like I am struggling to keep everything the same as before,

yet i feel like i'm not putting in enough time and effort into them.

And i really mean, everything; every part of my life.

argh. so fucking hard to balance and manage. why oh why oh why.

I don't want the same things to happen again, i really don't.

I don't want to leave things be and have to regret and fix them later on.

I want to do something about them before everything slips further away,

before my life reverts back to being meaningless work-and-think-like-a-robot-like.

WHAT IS STOPPING ME?

WHY AM I NOT DOING ANYTHING AFTER HAVING SAID THAT?

Is work really really REALLY what's making me so... urgh?

Lack of time? REALLY? Or is it an excuse to run away from my problems...?

Why am i even running away from them? why would I? wtf?

I need to start somewhere, but where do i even start...? How do i even start? shit.

Despite being given this much freedom,

I still feel so. Caged.

by education. by the system. by expectations. by myself.

I'm tired.

I really wish i had more strength to deal with the problems.

More strength to keep myself happy, stay optimistic, and hopeful.

More strength to care, help, love.

More strength to embrace whatever life throws me.

but i'm tired... so tired.

My beliefs and attitude have not changed - at least I don't think so.

So what has?

The situation?

Such a disappointment, I am.

Can't even handle this much.

hahahahaha, melodramatic much?

oh, crying out for so much attention! lololololololol.

no not really.