well HELLO people,
i am back with MORE rants about how life is so unfair blah blah yadayada.
ok no. i'm here to bash someone with words
that will never-eeeeee-eeevvverrrr-er (oh, i learnt this from peter. LOL) reach her.
It's not because i haven't said anything though, but RATHER,
because she chooses not to listen to anything I've said. HEEESX.
cute, huh?
When asked to think of someone who is an
emotional support and pillar of love,hope and care..
( you know, all those big biggggg words to express love.)
most people would say their parents or family members, or a close friend.
When you ask me that same question, i'd tell you,
"what the fuck? you siao ah? no one like that exists LAH!" :}
I guess it's already pretty obvious as to who the main character in this post is.
none other than... ding~dong~ching~cheng~finkfonk~tink~tank~BOOM!
Mother dearest. (scratch the dearest, it's undeserved.)
For one reason or another, she has this uncanny ability to make people
feel like the lowest piece of shit in the world.
Can you imagine that POWERRRRRR?
gaspgaspgasppxcx IR shocked by itz. DD;
Let's take today for example!
and yes, it's 8am. and she's already disrupted my
whole supposedly normal and happy-on-the-surface
-not-caring-about-a-thing-she-says day.
oh poo.
She just gets under my skin, sometimes.
WAIT! no. i mean all the time. :D
Allow me to elaborate.
Oh don't get me wrong, she's a GREAT mum and all~~~ you know.
She puts others interests above her own.
She buys food for me.
She pays for anything related to my studies, and maybe somemore.
She tells me oh-so many stories about her past and present.
She always tells me to be a successful person in life.
Now let me just continue these sentences.
She puts others interests before her own,
and puts mine in a cardboard box near a rubbish dump.
(translated to: ..puts mine wayyyyy below hers and everyone Else's'.)
Let's take today for example.
I'll just say i don't like cemeteries, graveyards, blah blah.
( you know, it's the time where we have to shao mu & pay respects to our ancestors.
& FYI.I sure as heck, know that i'm supposed to pray to my dad. I want to.
but that's not where the ancestors are. so we have to make a trip down to somewhere else.)
I have expressed my FEAR of them to her calmly, in a very polite manner.
and what does she say?
" Get ready by 7.45am. let's not trouble others by getting them to fetch us here and there. "
I repeated that, i don't want to go, i'm afraid of such places.
She says, " There's nothing to be scared of. And actually, every year your dad and i will go together. But now that he's not around.... I told your brother this last year, so this year he ZHI DONG (doing it on his own accord) tells me he's going."
Oh great, she even has to compare.
Well then, on my own accord - i told her that I DON'T WANT TO GO. THAT'S THAT.
but noooooooooooo, she has the final say in EVERYTHING~
even if i had a choice, it's as if i had none. PFFT.
Then she went into a story about how fun it was when everyone in her family gathered for the occasion in the past. ( I spaced out because i've heard it at least 10 times.)
She buys food for me, then tells me how irresponsible i am when
i don't immediately wash the bowls and plates.
It goes on for days. The more she says, the more i don't do. :D
Oh and i have to say, she tells me how my brother is SO MUCH MORE responsible than me,
how he does this and that and this and that, UNLIKE ME.
But when i do, she doesn't say anything. She doesn't even know or care.
I don't expect praises or anything, just an acknowledgement of my little effort.
Is that so hard to do? Is that TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?
We often hear things like, "Every little thing matters",
"Everything starts small, then grows", "Cherish even the littlest things."
I think, she has never heard of such phrases or
words of wisdom (as i would like to call them) before.
Either that, or she just refuses to use that knowledge on me.
Gee, how kind. Way to make me feel like i'm someone significant, huh? :)
She pays for anything related to my studies, and maybe somemore,
But that's the only thing she contributes to my education.
There is no moral support or concern expressed on how i'm progressing.
Just the outcome. That's the only thing that matters to her.
This is her mindset: Her money = My grades. More money = MUST have better grades.
What she 'invests' in me, has to be returned in the form of something she can brag about.
And here it goes again, the grades in which every parent would be proud of~
A little showing off is alright, i guess.
But it is not ok for it to be the only reason why she spends so much on me.
BESIDES, If it's not up to standards ( by standards she means other
people's kids and some kid genius she somehow knows.
and of course, expecting to get an edusave scholarship every single year
and getting many prizes during the annual speechdays.)
She'll just put the blame on whatever is conveniently the closest to me,
or what i do often.
Those being, staying infront of the computer for TOO LONG
(sometimes im doing research or art because games pose no interest to me now),
playing my PSP TOO MUCH (after we modified it and placed games in it
and when i was utterly in control of my gaming time -
just that i refused to stop for irrelevant and trivial things.),
watching TOO MUCH TV,
(is taking a break from studying or getting some ideas from tv programmes wrong?)
having USELESS friends who INFLUENCE me BADLY.
(and how does she judge them? she asks me their grades.
but most of the time, she ASSUMES. fucktard.)
She tells me oh-so many stories about her past and present,
and they seem to always be just about her her and her.
The oh-so perfect her with SO MANY SUITORS,
how she did so many more responsible things when she was young,
COMPARED to me right now. ( Like that's going to change me. cheh.)
ETC ETC, don't want to care.
A little side note : I hate comparisons. I hate to compare myself to others.
YET it is something that i inevitably do because that's just how i work.
If that's already true, how do you think i'd feel when others compare me to someone else?
Plus degrading and putting me down numerous times. I am never in favour. NEVER.
Even if the truth is that i am "better", nothing much is said. nothing that really matters.
Only the flaws and negative side of me is bashed inside-out-upside-down-lolxzx.
Why is it that she never says anything bad about herself?
Or she oh-so casually denies or avoids saying anything that will ruin her 'image'?
Frankly, i don't give a damn. I don't like it. No one is perfect, so stop it.
She always tells me to be a successful person in life,
(plus marry later because career comes first -
in which i agree. Love has no right to be a hindrance to my future.
not one bit. It is not worth it.)
when she never guides me through on my path to 'success'.
Not even a hand to help me get back on track,
not even a motivational chat,
not even a simple question like, "how are you coping?"
all she does is provide the money. :D
But of course, that has no way made me a materialistic bimbo,
i just rely on her money as much as possible to make myself feel loved.
plus, it's some sort of a payback for all the things she has said that hurt me.
oh, so i'm not short of cash.
i work for fun, to accompany my friend, get away from the family,
and sometimes-personal needs and wants.
( P/S Lol Cow, now you should know why i said things that i did about her money.)
The conclusion is,
I hate how our relationship has turned out to be like this.
but what can we do? there's nothing that can make the scars heal.
i can do nothing but forever bear a deep grudge.
...and that is why i hate mentioning her in any serious
context and/or conversations.
It makes the pain resurface. :)
(ooolala~ i sound like a freakin dramatic poet. o__O)
What i can do is just to laugh and cry at the same time while
i think about our situation.
Really, i think this internal turmoil has made me partially insane and mentally unstable. D;
but i'm fine with that. it was rather hilarious to hear myself do that, actually. LOL.
I'd really like to hear her apologize one day.
But i doubt that day will ever come.
It's either because i'll die at a young age or
because she'll never come to her senses to understand how i feel.
(even if i've explained some bits to her before in a moment of fury.)
I'd really like to hear her compliment me sincerely at least once,
and showing interest in what she's saying. Even at the simplest things, it's fine.
but MEH, who am i kidding? like that'd ever happen! :)
OK SO NOW YOU KNOW.
I HAVE SPILLED THE BEANS.
THIS is the reason why i'm always feeling down.
and there's more to say, but i don't feel like thinking about it too much.
It'd disturb the peace in my mind telling me to get on with life and start being productive!
OH! The main topic though, is that I'M MAKING A NEW SKIN! :D
A colourful, rainbowrific skin with cute cuddly characters that will brighten me up,
the total opposite of what i'm feeling. :D LOL.
alright i'm off~ HAPPY FAMILY DAY! :)
No comments:
Post a Comment