I couldnt sleep.
so i guess i'll just post this up.
It's alil late though, sorry.
..a mixture of my thoughts right now.
17/11/07
My Dad's 1st death anniversary.
Ever since he left,
it feels like a part of me had been taken away.
I'm starting to realise that emotional pain
is a million time worse than physical pain.
Because everytime i think about it,
i can't help but get shattered all over again.
it's just that indescribable feeling that gnaws at your heart.
Honestly, i had thought that i'd recovered from a feeling like that.
i guess i'm wrong.
the mere thought that we're now an "incomplete" family is just unbearable.
because, had i ever appreciated that we were once whole?
no. i took it for granted.
who would've expected something like that to
happen to someone so fit & healthy?
certainly not us.
not anyone.
knowing that a lot of others mourned for him & grieved,
was gratifying.
it showed that he was loved by many others,
since we often failed to do so.
i know it's pointless to regret,
and wish to change the past/
because,i guess without actually feeling the loss..
we wouldn't have woken up to the harsh realities of life.
the only thing we can do now,
is to hang on to the reasoning that "everything happens for a reason".
and learn from the experience to cherish the ones around us.
& well,as for me.. i still find that hard to achieve.
because, i'm not comfortable with showing affection.
when it comes to serious matters,
for some reason.. i can never utter "i love you".
i find it so cliched & if said too often - loses its' meaning.
typing it, is another case though.it hardly expresses anything,
because.. who knows.. it could just be a lie. :)
A GODDAMN LIE which means NOTHING! :D
( forgive me for using your name in vain)
in addition, i haven't reached that stage of maturity yet.
unlike iggy, i don't follow orders, i don't like responsibility
and i cant express myself well. so actions & words - they both don't suit me. :\
i can only throw tantrums & get pissed off with others
when they tell me to do things i don't like.
and i guess, that's just an excuse isnt it?
an excuse to run away from whatspever responsibilities
i have as a daughter or a sister or a friend.
i can never understand how one just stoops down to a level to do
something for someone against their will.
i blame it on pride.
sorry, but i'm a coward & i push the blame to intangible things. :\
oh and there's one thing to learn from this too,people:
if someone can't tell you that they love you in person,
then they're a fraud. LIAAAAAAARS.srsly. :)
but of course, this only applies to some people.
bold assholes still roam freely in this world, unfortunately.
:((
to tell you the truth, i thought i had gotten over it when i met new people
who seemed really nice and are able to tolerate me.
but once again, happiness doesnt last forever.
& the worst thing would be to be so disillusioned
- to have so much hope in that happiness..
then to have it shattered. ;\
that feeling sucks..and it's literally, heart-aching.
heh,ouch.
oh well, that's what most normal people would have to
go through at least once in a lifetime i guess.
extreme emotional pain. LOL,it's a pretty interesting feeling i guess -
where your mind tries to take control but your heart just wont listen.
LOL, i can't believe im explaining such gay things.
urgh, addy.. when'd you become so bloody.. descriptive about emotions.
sheeeesh.
y'know, sometimes i give up on my dreams,
sometimes i grow more determined.
In a way,his death made me lose hope in life..
i mean.. what's the point of taking care of your health;
having a great career;having a family; lots of money..
when eventually - you'll just die.
..wither away unexpectedly.
"what's the point of living when we'll all end up with the same fates? what?"
and at other times,i feel that i should live my life to the fullest,
to live his part..to work hard.. to prove to him, wherever he is,
that i am capable of fulfilling his expectations..before he left.
currently,i'm just stuck in the middle.
kinda like being stuck on a puny island in the middle of some unchartered are. -.-;
the O's are over. i don't know how i fared.
but i know i'll be disappointed if i dont get good grades
because i'd be letting him down.
& of course, myself.
if i do, i'm all to blame for not being hardworking enough.
what the future holds?
i don't really know.
i've finally gotten onto my dream path,
but i cant help but feel that there's nothing ahead of this.
alot of "what ifs" are running through my mind..
what if i don't succeed in my career?
what if i don't even get to be the top few in my course?
what'll happen to me then?
drawing is more of a talent than a skill dont you think?
is there a limit to how well i can draw?
what if i don't meet others' expectation?
WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ME?
will i just be another useless bum,inept of anything?
all this while, i've been so concentrated on doing well
in my studies so that i can get my dream job.
6 years of yearning..
but when i finally almost got it..
what am i supposed to do?
i know i'm a worrywart.
but isnt it time for me to think about my future?
i'm not a kid anymore. :(
i really would like to waste time doing nonsensical things,
but is there really time? is there?
there are so many things i would like to do, to learn, to be good at..
but is a lifetime long enough?
i'm doubtful of that.
how useful can i be in future?
should i just focus solely on art, and nothing else?
i honestly.. dont know.
i wish there was someone to lead the way & advise me.
it would've been great if he was around.
he would know, he would've been able to guide me
like he initially did for iggy,
and of course for mum too.
Mum chose to take opportunities & work hard,
while iggy.. well.. he was the total opposite.
& now, he's unsure of his future too.
who would i end up to be like?
sigh*..
really, life is so complicated.
and this isn't an overrated statement.
with the load that i'm going through right now..
i don't know if i can handle the stress of the future.
e-commerce,
LCCI,
all kinds of designing,
guitar & sewing lessons,
family responsibilites,
constant stress on improvement,
friend maintenance,
aftermath of rejection,
keeping up with everything,
the cost of all my art materials,
getting a job,
worrying about my poly course,
thinking about my grades,
CLEANING MY DAMN ROOM,
& planning for the future?
WTF! THAT"S TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE NOW, DONT YOU THINK?!!
AND THE LIST ISNT EVEN FINISHED!
THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!
SHOULDNT LIFE BE WAY BETTER AFTER O'S?!
dammit! ARGH.
won't someone save me?
with all that, i don't think a mere human would be cut out for that job.
a saint perhaps?
:(
& why is it that some people are still oblivious to the importance of the planning.
they have no goals, no aims, and no will.
partially talking about ju.. but i know there are alot more out there.
everyone is waiting to see what future has in store for them,
without doing anything. they'll take anything they're going to be given.
will they be happy then?
fuck, worrying so much doesnt make me happy either.
but what can i do? i fear the future.
i fear the possibility that i may be nothing.
to survive in this society..i must be someone.
i cant be a no-one.i cant be "just another artist"-
that;s not good enough.
i wish i could just hide away from all of this.
and leave the planning to someone else.
but that's impossible, because this is my life.
& damn, that's the only aspect of life i hate to have control over.
:\
ok. bye.
i hope you guys will start thinking for your futures as well.
p/s.ESPECIALLY YOU,JULIAN WU.
i've been trying to persuade you & talk to you about it..
but if you don't have the will to do it..
you'll forever remain as you are right now.
i don't think that feels too good, does it?
dammit ubf, work hard!
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